Three years with Lupus… Happy Anniversary?

This same day exactly three years ago, I got the news that has, since that moment, changed the entire course of my life. While lying on a bed that so many others did before me, and in a place that was fighting to replace home, it was brought to my attention that the aspect of my body that should be protecting it, was in fact damaging it. I had an incurable disease that had damaged both my kidneys.

“I’m sorry, all the tests came back positive…You have Lupus.”

It is amazing how one sentence can change everything. Three years ago, I thought my life was over. I could not imagine living through the new aching that I was assured was going to be constant. I was unable to wrap my head around the idea of internally fighting every day and programming my mind to challenge my body that refused to listen to it almost all the time. I could not see beyond the walls of the hospital.

My three year relationship with Lupus has taught me more about life than anything or anyone else could have. It taught me how to have faith, what love is and how to love, what friendship is and how to be a friend but most of all, through some amazing persons (TLM), it has taught me how to give myself to others. Lupus was the path I needed to direct me to my purpose in life. It taught me that no matter what the situation may be, we have only two choices: to be pessimistic about it or to find the bright side, even when it seems so small.

This is not to say that Lupus is a joy. There have been times when I have felt more pain than I could have ever imagined, when I don’t even want to feel the slightest touch from another person. Times when I knew I was going to be sick and begged my body not to let it happen. When the feeling got stronger, I would resort to just hoping it would hold out until I got to the solace of my home. There was a time when my sole dream in life was to just get out of the hospital… to now being that of going through an entire day without feeling any pain at all. However, I refuse to look at the negatives even though there have been so many. There is absolutely no challenge in that, is there? And one thing that Lupus has taught me is that in everything I should fight.

While I am not celebrating the fact that I got Lupus, I must admit that I do not regret spending the last three years with it. It is a bitter-sweet occasion, knowing all the hard times and the pain that comes with being a Lupie, but knowing too, the advantages (Yes, there actually are advantages!!!!) that it brings.

My journey with Lupus has not been filled only with pain but with accomplishments. However, while I am indeed proud to be an international writer for what I deem to be the best magazine ever created ( I assure you, this is not based on bias but rather empirical evidence ) and becoming the Lupus Voice of Jamaica, I hold closer to my heart, the lessons learnt and my maturity, than the achievements.

Because of Lupus, I am not afraid to love with my all. Now the people I love will never have to question if I love them. Because of Lupus, giving myself to people has become second nature. Because of Lupus, my motto in life is now “Carpe Diem”, which means “Seize the day."

While a lot of people say life is short and some may even come face to face with death once or twice, not everyone knows what it is like to be fighting to live, not once or twice, but on a constant basis. The unpredictability of having a flare tells me that I do not have luxury of postponing.

I live, I love, I laugh, I give and I seize the day/moment because I know what it’s like to be at that place where I look back and wish with all my heart, that I could just have another chance.

It is my anniversary, and I am not gloomy about it. While I live with a disease that is characterized by pain and I hold on to the hope that this cup too shall pass, I have the strangest feeling that Lupus is not through teaching me all the things I need to learn.

Three years later, and it completely overwhelms me that the day that I thought I could not look past, all the feelings I thought I could never overcome, has now become a memory… And once in a while I’m given this privilege to cry. Not because of pain, not because of frustration, not because of the feeling of loss…No, I cry because of joy. The joy that only comes with the ability to look back on the battlefield and see that even though the war has not ended and there is much more up ahead, the battle behind me is one I have conquered. I cry tears of joy because I have found out what it really means, not simply to rise up out of the dust, brush off the dirt and begin walking again, but to spread my wings and soar.

Three years with Lupus… Happy Anniversary?

Yes, it is. I refuse to see it any other way. Carpe Diem!

Shoyea- Gaye Grant ©
Jamaica,
West Indies.


First published in The Lupus Magazine