What has Lupus Taught You?

I just came home from school and I have decided to listen to my body that has been screaming out for some rest. As I begin to relax, my subconscious decides to take me away from the present. Before I know it, I’m on my way down Memory Lane. With this Jamaican heat, it’s a good thing that I have on sunscreen!

Strolling and reminiscing, I’ve seen just how much I have grown as an individual. Before me stands all my accomplishments, my smart choices, my not so smart choices, my mistakes; good times, bad times, the in between; disappointment, laughter, surprises… All of which has moulded me to be the person that I have become.

Going further, I make an effort to pass some friends that no longer play an important part in my life. There was Negativity, Self-Pity, Blame, Ignorance By Choice, Anger and Bitterness. I wave them goodbye. I begin to smile when I see my new friends that I have become rather close to since lately. I decided not to just pass them by but take them with me because we all have a far way to go together. My best friend, Optimism, stood by my side the whole way. She’s absolutely amazing! I also enjoy spending time with Humility, Laughter, Wisdom, Inner-Strength and Accepting Change, so I took them along with me.

Feeling a little tired, I decided to rest at the Lupus Bus Stop. With my ex-friends behind me, I realize that my focus is no longer on what I have lost. Rather, my focus now lies in the question “What has Lupus taught me?”

Lupus has taught me the most important thing I’ll ever learn: Who I am and who God is. Maybe it was in all the pain and the nights when I had to go through it alone. Maybe it was in the hospital. Maybe it was when I finally came to the realisation that my entire life had changed. Maybe it was in those times when I felt alone and away from everybody. Maybe it was those nights when I would sleep on a wet pillow… But somewhere in the midst of everything, I found myself and I found God. There were times when, despite the love and support, nobody could help me but God. I had no choice but to turn to Him and that was the beginning of a wonderful relationship with my Creator. I also found the person within. I am now completely sure about who I am because I have spent quality time with myself. I turned me inside out and got to know all my crevices and corners. It was imperative that I did this in order to continue fighting this disease. Lacking the certainty of who I was would get me nowhere. Now that I know myself and God, I live with purpose.

Lupus has taught me what love is. Love is not something we say, feel or fall in. Love is something we do. The people that are there through it all are the people who really love us. The persons we can call in the middle of the night when pain keeps us awake, the ones that put up with our mood swings, the ones that get angry when we do something that makes us sick, the persons that, without even knowing, push us when we cannot seem to sum up the strength to go on. That is love.

Lupus has taught me to fight. Lupus is a battle, everyday we fight. Some people will never fully understand that statement. Sometimes it takes every bit of strength and will power to do the things we once considered normal. For me, it’s a fight to get up out of the bed, for sometimes it seems as if fatigue and pain has tied me to the posts. Walking down a flight of stairs can be agonizing when arthritis holds tightly on my 19 year old legs, making them feel like 90. If I can push my way through all that Lupus throws at me, what else can I not handle? If Lupus is so much and I’m fighting it, defeat has become history.

Lupus has taught me that life is short. It matters not what age, creed, religion or race one is, time waits on no man. I moved from being a perfectly healthy teenager to fighting for my next breath. I do make long term plans but I live for today because lupus has shown me that the only guarantee I have is NOW.

I’ve decided to leave this Lupus Bus Stop because it’s just what it says it is: A bus stop. Somewhere to pause, not dwell. It is not about loving Lupus and being glad I got it. Its about milking good out of all the bad that surrounds us. As I head back to the present, I know deep in my heart that I’ll take all the lessons I learnt from Memory Lane with me.

What has Lupus taught you?
By Shoyea-Gaye Grant ©

First Published in The Lupus Magazine

Jamaica, West Indies